Indians In Need of a Good Mustache

As of Monday afternoon, the Indians have a need to fill. It’s not a starter, not a hitter, not a coach.

The Indians are in need of someone with superior facial hair.

On Monday, the Indians shipped 26-year-old pitcher Eric Berger to the Houston Astros in exchange for catcher Chris Wallace. While Berger never made it to Cleveland in his time with the team, he did have a major league moustache.

The southpaw’s claim to fame was his moustache, which was reminiscent to the one Rollie Fingers became famous for back in the 1970s. It was a phenomenal show of facial superiority that few others throughout the Major Leagues could even compete with. Fortunately, the Indians have a few candidates who can certainly take Berger’s spot as Cleveland’s master of the moustache.

First, there’s the “Dark Horse” category. These are players who have no notable history with facial hair, but could still surprise the masses.

The first dark horse is 2012 draft pick Kieran Lovegrove. The third-round pick is seldom thought of as a man with the ability to grow an extraordinary moustache, but don’t tell him that. On Jan. 31, Lovegrove tweeted that he was “committed to growing a ‘stache.” However, no pictures of his progress were ever posted and thus, his endeavor was forgotten by most. Fortunately, thanks to a simple Google search, the aforementioned tweet was found and there’s always the possibility that he could give the moustache another try.

Our number two dark horse is another prospect and pitcher. Cole Cook isn’t often pictured as one to flex his facial follicles, but it’s also something that shouldn’t be overlooked. As one of the most outgoing personalities on Twitter, fans shouldn’t be surprised if one day out of sheer spontaneity, Cook decides to fire up a Fu Manchu. So while Cook doesn’t have an extensive history of facial hair, he should always be considered among those who could come out of nowhere with a ‘stache.

For much of the same reason as Cook, Nick Swisher could also decide to take over as the Indians’ ‘stache man. Swisher has never been shy about taking a different approach to his appearance. When he was in Oakland, he grew his hair down to his shoulders before having it cut on the field to benefit charity. To this day, he still sports a Mohawk with pride. A free spirit like Swisher’s shouldn’t be overlooked as one who would pass up growing a moustache, especially an epic one. Just because it’d be cool, bro.

Honorable mentions: Vinnie Pestano, Jason Kipnis, Michael Bourn.

Finally, there’s the “Proven” category. These five esteemed gentlemen have all ready shown fans just what they bring to the table when it comes to facial hair. Unfortunately, only one can emerge as the man with the greatest potential to become the next great ‘stache.

Coming in fifth place is southpaw TJ House. While many pictures show him as a clean-shaven individual, his picture on the Indians’ 40-man roster page shows a man who brings a ton of potential to the table. Granted, in the picture, he’s shown with a full beard. However, cover the beard with your thumb and you have a man who has the perfect type of bushy moustache. Should he decide to go with just the moustache, he could skyrocket as high as number two. For now, though, the performance-enhancing beard has him relegated to the fifth spot.

In fourth place is Justin Masterson, or as Nick Swisher calls him, Mr. Clean. Masterson is in fourth place strictly based off of potential. We all saw Masterson grow a Grizzly Adams-esque beard in 2012. Unfortunately, there was no accompanying hair on the upper lip, which leads fans to ask the same question the Indians marketing campaign asked the last two seasons – What if? Should Masterson decide to give facial hair another go and relegate it to his upper lip this time, the result could be the stuff of legends.

The battle for second and third place was a close one. Either of the next two gentlemen could’ve taken third; but in the end, the bronze medal goes to Josh Tomlin. In 2012, Tomlin showed Major League Baseball that the Col. Sanders look is not dead. In fact, he wore the fuzz with pride. However, he’s relegated to third simply because of the little soul patch he had going on. Should he have had just the moustache, there’s a very good chance he would’ve been in second.

With Tomlin in third, second place could go to none other than Lonnie Chisenhall. After his initial promotion in the 2012 season, Chisenhall made Indians fans double-take at the screen when they saw this young third baseman sporting a perfect Fu Manchu. Everything about it was ideal. The symmetry. The shape. The length. It truly was something to behold. Unfortunately, it wasn’t around for very long, as Chisenhall got hurt relatively early and when he returned, all traces of the moustache had disappeared.

That brings us to the winner. The man who has the capability to rock the greatest moustache the Indians have ever seen. Appropriately enough, it’s the most seasoned member of the 2013 Indians.

Jason Giambi.

Giambi is no stranger to the ‘stache. His crowning achievement was his 2008 edition while he was still with the New York Yankees. By throwing away the razor, Giambi grew an oil-black wedge on his upper lip that made him look like Dr. Phil’s more intimidating twin brother. It got to be so iconic that the Yankees had a Giambi moustache giveaway that year.

Fortunately, that wasn’t it for Giambi. With Colorado, Giambi went for more of a handlebar look (see: Rod Beck). While it didn’t nearly get as much attention as his prior look did, it was still something to behold. Experience, perfection and intimidation are all reasons why Jason Giambi is the favorite to have Cleveland’s next great moustache.

This is a call to action for any and all interested Cleveland Indians to drop the razor and embrace the fuzz. While Giambi is the favorite, none of the aforementioned players should be overlooked. Maybe one can come out of nowhere to run away with the competition.

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This Post Has One Comment

  1. FYI: from twitter –
    Eric Berger ‏@EBerger18 15 Apr
    Houston I come to you Stachless please don’t be disappointed! Things can change quickly as long as its within the rules

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